i like the formal invitation in the beggining,
like a personal inview.

ticktockstop, sounds very nice too.
made me smile even though,
it's as if time did stop.
which isn't a wonderful thing.
very nice contrast there.

two is gorgeos.
just lovely imagery!
this is where the word juice leaks
into my brain and stays.

i'm not sure if you would of wanted that earlier,
some may view that as boring,
or not complete.

i subjectively, did not mind though.

the third one too,
it follows beautifully.

one thing though,
is the variety through each number.

are they supposed to present a different character in each?
perhaps a sidewalk of people?

because it is one time,
but maybe one can see it all at once.
just curious is all.

i just read every peice though now,
and it does seem to fit..
this is wonderful.


really,
let me know when you finish it!

please!

I wish I could give you the same critique you gave me. I'll do my best however.

Love the Tick-Tock-Stop. I think I saw that in Blake actually, not quite sure. Anywho it's cool, you use it very nicely.

I don't quite see however how the first stanza relates to the others. Love the spacing.

In the second stanza, the eyehole intimidates me for some unknown reason, perhaps eyelids would be a better alternative. I'm not quite sure what you had in mind when writing this though, perhaps there's some sort of reference that I'm missing.

Third stanza is marvelous. At first I was wary about the repitition of burrows, but after re-reading it, I realized I greatly enjoyed it. You turned off the repitition at just the right second, and if the next line had burrows I must say I most probably would have disliked it.

In the fourth stanza, and another you use '--' which I found very amazing and might wish to experiment with myself. I love the kind of small pause and think it gives to the reader.

Must say I completely love the rest. It provides great imagery, and interesting descriptions, metaphors, etc.



--
~Morality is a figment of humanity's imagination. The universe is despicably moralless.
~We must burden ourselves with peace and love.. and other bull***t.

Thanks a lot, I really appreciate your comments.

In the second stanza, the eyehole part came to my mind from thinking of Scooby-Doo actually lol. You know, when they're in the room, and there's a painting, and once they move away, the eye moves, 'cause there was someone watching them?

That's what gave me the idea, because the thought behind the poem is that it's a single snapshot of this specific time, which was the point of the first stanza, which tried to convey that it was time stopping at that exact time. However, I myself am still moving through it, so I'm the person behind the painting/the silvers beneath ice.

still dont get the point.. i don't really understand the point when someone tells me after the poem.. i've already made my own point to the poem hehe.. (don't ask).

--
~Morality is a figment of humanity's imagination. The universe is despicably moralless.
~We must burden ourselves with peace and love.. and other bull***t.

You got it lol.

The idea behind the whole poem was that of an observer looking at a "still" image of time, specifically, the exact second when the watch in the first stanza hit 11:54p.m. So in a way, it's different people, but it's told from my point of view as I "walk" amongst them.

Lol, I understand. Poems are in a way, better if they leave the interpretation open to the reader.

yes and no, it goes both ways

--
~Morality is a figment of humanity's imagination. The universe is despicably moralless.
~We must burden ourselves with peace and love.. and other bull***t.

ah i wasn't sure, hoorae

I have to say beautiful imagrey, I love the verse "Serendipitous splendor." I like the flow of things at times, at other times I don't like it as much.

Burrows into dirty
Snow, ice huddling

I'm iffy about that.
Burrows into dirty snow,
ice huddling.

Unsure of whether or not it makes a difference!

I love the way you have indents in the poem and I especially love the beginning, the beginning is so wonderful! I stuck between whether stanza two or three is my favorite. Or maybe even verse 9. I would love to know when this poem is finished

IV.
My glass sun:
Muted lampposts--
Metal stalks eclipse
Neon signs.
Chemicals burn bright.

Though that verse somewhat confuses me....when I reread I think it's talking about streetlamps, but I don't get it's meaning, or it's purpose in being in there....I guess you could say, the same goes in some of my poems as well, though the imagery all ties together in the end!